Title: Pieces of Clarity
Date: May 11, 2000
Status: Complete
Author: Jmas
Category: Series, drama, angst, h/c…various other things….
Rating: PG-13 for language
Email: jmasg1@bellsouth.net
Disclaimer: Characters are property of MGM, etc.
Spoilers: Stargate the movie, Children of the Gods, Shades
of Grey, Serpent's Song, The Nox, Secrets, Forever in a Day,
Maternal Instinct, Pretense, Legacy, Out of Mind.
Summary: Jack ponders a few things…
Author's note: This began as part of the IH series. It decided
to go elsewhere…
Pieces of Clarity
by Jmas
Seems like old times, doesn't it Daniel?
Giving your all for the SGC by way of Fraiser's infirmary…making
the ultimate sacrifice for truth, justice and the American
way…
Sorry.
Seriously though, I've heard a lot of people say you've made
a lot of sacrifices for us, for the SGC, for Earth…but
sacrifice, to me, implies a voluntary act. You didn't choose
all the bad shit that's come down on you in your life. You
didn't choose to watch your parents die, you didn't choose
to hurt and bleed and be alone.
What you did choose was to listen to a very sweet older lady
named Catherine who offered you the fulfillment of all your
dreams wrapped up in a puzzle thousands of years old and resting
at the bottom of a missile silo in Colorado.
You chose that.
Afterward, there was no choice for you. The moment your eyes
landed on that chalkboard the choices ended. You could no sooner
have *not* translated that coverstone than the sun could refuse
to shine. Same process….spontaneous combustion.
Hell, I knew the first time I laid eyes on you that you were
different. For all your awkwardness, your eyes were so full
of stuff…and even I could recognize the lack of patience
with those not up to your speed…there were a lot of us…
We went through the gate on a broken wing and a slim prayer…I
never bought that you were all that sure you could get us back,
but, hell, I didn't care…you knew that, didn't you? You
saved my sorry ass, we saved the planet, you…sort of…found
a wife. You chose to stay. I chose to keep your secret. West
and the rest of them chose not to seal the gate. Apophis chose
to come looking for queen-material on Earth. I chose to come
out of retirement. We all chose to go back to Abydos.
Choices.
The only other choice you could have made to change anything
would have been to bring Sha're and Skaara with us to see that
map room. I know you've kicked your own ass over that one for
a long time now. But you also know regret is the quickest road
to hell known to man….And you've got way too much sense
to spend time on roads with no destination.
Still…I wish you'd gotten the chance you deserved…More
than a year, more than you got…
But wishes have a lot in common with flying pigs and beggar's
rides….
Not much to be done about it now…
If you hadn't made that one simple choice…like you had
any real choice after that L.A. fiasco…things would definitely
be different.
I'd be blissfully retired, working on a monster beer gut and
writing memoirs no one could ever read…The Goa'uld would
be a distant nameless memory, an enemy yet to come and unprepared
for…Carter would be a Pentagon lackey…Teal'c would
be dead or slowly dying inside serving his false god because
no one had ever offered him an out…Jacob Carter would
definitely be dead…Hammond would have died from boredom
in his own retirement hell…Kawalsky would be alive… Sha're
would never had to know the living hell her life became….
Sorry.
And you?
You would have been happy.
And it almost would have been worth it all to let you have
that.
From the first mission onward, I've watched you give away
little pieces of yourself. To keep up with us, to earn your
place on the team, to keep the cosmic peace and 'do good' across
the gated galaxy…
God, I make you sound like Luke Skywalker….You're no
cereal box hero. You're just a guy. Just Daniel. No…strike
that…there's no way you are 'just' anything…You
are Daniel Jackson…hell of a smart guy, hell of a friend,
hell of a good man….
A good man who got more than your fair share of the short
end, little pieces of you falling away…chipping away
at the edges of what makes you who you are. A piece there to
drill some not so subtle point through my thick head. A piece
here to show the almighty bastard I used to be that life had
more to offer than the active end of a bomb. A piece there
to make me think, maybe, there was more than what I could see…wanted
to see. A piece to the Abydonians, stirring them to fight for
what had always been theirs. A piece to stop the bloodshed
I set in motion in Ra's throne room…A great big bloody
piece to save a class 1 shithead like me…
Seems like you've been losing little bits and pieces ever
since…
The Broca thing, the Hammer, Nem, Heliopolis, Hathor…damn
her to every kind of hell, the alternate reality, nearly dying
to save us in spite of ourselves on the ship I didn't believe
was coming to destroy Earth. Then there was Hadante, Sha're
and the kid, Apophis, Machello….all of it taking pieces
out of you in bits and chunks…
I really thought we lost you when Machello's little time bomb
took up residence. I almost accepted it, almost let you go
because it seemed like…somehow…it made sense that
finally you'd lost one piece too many…
I should have known better, should have understood that deep
down underneath it all you were, are, and always will be…Daniel.
And the Daniel I've come to know just doesn't give up…
You figured your own way out of that one…thank God…and
came back to us. A little bruised, a little wary…but
back with just a few extra pieces shaken loose…
Then we went to hell, lost the kid, I disappeared, came back
and turned into the bastard again. I saw a hell of a big chunk
of you tear away on that one…before my eyes, on the strength
of my words…
I hated myself for that.
I could almost wish you'd punched me a good one just to make
me feel better…
Of course being you, you didn't, couldn't, wouldn't…
Then we lost you…
Found you.
Found Nick.
Lost Nick.
I don't like the pattern here, buddy….guess you're used
to it. Sucks the big one though.
Funny thing was, when you walked away from Nick…it seemed
like I saw a piece fall back into place…
For all the pieces you've lost…I really do think you've
replaced them with something else. Something not so different…a
little harder maybe…but put back into place with the
glue of a forgiving heart and held there by the strength of
a not-too-shabby stubborn will.
Scared the shit out of me when the appendix burst…
A real live piece out of you there…Fraiser's got it
in a jar in her office. Kinda cool in a gross sort of way…
You don't do anything half way, do you? Right in the middle
of the gateroom…wham, bam, down you went. Hammond burst
a blood vessel getting down to the ramp. Teal'c was splitting
an eyebrow and Carter looked…like Carter when she worries…You
know that little wrinkle thing…?
Damn, I thought we'd lost you for sure this time, Danny. Never
want to see you hurt like that again…
;Course, we know you will if you keep hanging around here.
And I'm pretty sure you will. We need you…you do know
that don't you?
You get out of here we need to go fishing. Just us. Do the
male bonding thing. Get back a few of those pieces blown out
of both of us lately…
I don't know about you, but I need it.
This waiting around is making an old man out of me…
