TTitle: A Handful of Dust
Date: June 29, 2001
Status: Complete
Author: Jmas
Category: angst, h/c
Rating: PG-13
Email: jmasg1@bellsouth.net
Archive: Stargate Fan, Heliopolis, Belle, Place of Our Legacy
Spoilers: Absolute Power. Small ones for The Curse and Tangent
Summary: A brief look at the dark side. I’ll almost guarantee that this
will have a sequel….just not sure where it will go yet…..
Author's note: Another of the missing scenes/tags for season 4 promised to the
wily members of the HC list. Bless them all....
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime
and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa’uld and all other characters
who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles
and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,
Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I
Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those
rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea
and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Handful of Dust
By Jmas
~*~
I will show you fear in a handful of dust...
~ TS Eliot, The Wasteland
~*~
I never thought I’d live to see the day when Daniel ‘hi,
we’re peaceful explorers from Earth’ Jackson would
be afraid of anything. At least not the kinds of things I’d
expect him to be. He’s always had as much guts as he
has brains - which is saying a lot - but these past few days
since Shifu...left, it’s been in his eyes more times
than I can count. He can barely look at us; barely look at
anything further than the nearest diversion that keeps his
eyes carefully hidden away from us all.
From the minute he woke up from his ‘dream’, Daniel
was - is- different.
Nothing I can even put a finger on, just different.
Quiet, but hell he’s been too damn quiet for months
now despite our best efforts to draw him out. I want to think
he’s still grieving, and I really think that’s
a big part of whatever is going on here, but not all of it.
Not all of it.
He almost looks - guilty.
Maybe it’s because of what we almost let happen to Shifu,
maybe it’s something he dreamed, maybe it has something
to do with this new path he was talking to Shifu about....
Maybe…
Hell, I don’t know.
I just know it’s eating him from the inside out and
something needs to give. Before he does.
Which is why I’m here standing outside his lab in the
middle of the night.
If I didn’t learn anything else from my little trip
out toward the Oort cloud, it’s that my friends, my *team*
comes first. And right now my team is so far off the mark I’m
wondering if we can ever get it back again. All I know is -
I have to try. I’m not letting us go down without a fight,
and I’m not letting Daniel go down alone.
Not anymore.
There’ve been way too many times in the past few months
when we’ve been split up and acting in pieces. A team
is the sum of all its parts, and damn if we haven’t been
coming up with some shitty sums lately; it’s time to
learn some new math.
With a deep breath, I screw up my own courage, ready to barge
my way into his space...literally and figuratively....when
I hear something - crash. I’m through the door in a heartbeat,
personal space be damned....
Once inside, I stop.
For the first time since I can remember, I don’t know
what to do for Daniel.
He’s on his knees in the middle of the floor, surrounded
by shards of artifacts I can’t begin to recognize, and
he looks so -- scared.
Now I’ve seen Daniel in a lot of states in our time
together. I’ve seen him shit-faced, I’ve seen him
so close to breaking I just knew a single word could finish
the job; I’ve seen him a lot of ways, but even facing
Apophis at his worst I’ve never seen Daniel afraid. He’s
got a core of stubborn courage inside him that either blinds
him to the danger, or won’t let him acknowledge until
it’s all over and he can crash and burn all alone.
But not now....
Now he looks like the devil himself is after his ass - and
I’m not talking about Sokhar.
I edge into the room carefully trying not to destroy any more
of his artifacts than he’s already managed to take care
of himself. Damn, he’s gonna be pissed with himself later
when he realizes what he’s done. Kneeling beside him,
I try to get him to meet my eyes, but...
He’s just gone. Locked up in his own private hell where
no one else can come. I don’t think so, Danny.
Scooting closer to him, I reach out a hand to his shoulder
thinking to just get him talking...
His hands are grinding a small piece of clay into small bits
of dirt or sand or whatever they used to be...
“I was so wrong, Jack....”
Hey, words. Actual syllables. Not that I have a clue what
they mean, but it’s progress. Sort of.
“About...?”
He sniffs a little, I think he meant it as a laugh, but it’s
not the kind of laugh that sets my mind at ease - more like
the kind to set my nerves on edge.
He shrugs, “Everything...”
Well that just clears everything right up...
Not.
Daniel is never wrong. Hell, I’ve admitted as much myself
- out loud. Even when he’s pissing me off royally for
being right when I don’t want or need him to be, he’s
almost always right. Or damn close enough to put the rest of
us on the right track...it’s the way SG1 operates.
I don’t like hearing this defeat in his voice, seeing
it in his eyes - don’t like it at all. This isn’t
Daniel, never has been, and I want to know why.
“Daniel?” I sound more hesitant than I mean to,
not a tone I’m comfortable with.
Funny the only times I can remember hearing it in my own voice
are with Charlie and Daniel. I know Hammond thinks that Daniel
has become some sort of surrogate for the son I lost - like
he has room to talk with his grandfather complex where Daniel’s
concerned. Maybe he’s right, maybe in the beginning it
was true. Me, adjusting to an admittedly off the wall team
and a return to military life after a year of contemplating
my navel; Daniel, adjusting to a life he’d never imagined
in his wildest dreams - and adjusting to losses that would
have knocked anyone else on his ass to stay. We both needed
the safety of that kind of connection.
Little by little, though, it changed. Life changed. We went
through hell - to hell even - and back so many times. I watched
Daniel get harder, watched him harden and discover the dark
places academia rarely gives a man insight into- watched him
come out of it still the essentially good man he was in the
beginning. I changed too, no doubt, toughened up in ways I
thought I’d forgotten how to, ways I really didn’t
want to be again. Spending a few days in deep space contemplating
yet another icy, pointless death, I got my mind back in the
game - only to realize a lot of things had changed while I
wasn’t paying attention.
Daniel had grown up, yes, and grown away from counting on
me to be there. The whole business with Osiris proved that.
True, I didn’t give him much time to explain on the phone,
but time was when it wouldn’t have mattered - I’d
have known.
I didn’t know then, and sad to say I don’t know
now. I just know Daniel looks like he’s lost the last
thread of hope he had left...
He’s still grinding up bits of whatever into a pretty
respectable pile of dust.
“Daniel?” Stronger this time, strong enough to
make him look up at me. His eyes are dark with fatigue, the
fear lying just below the surface curtain of exhaustion, and
I think maybe he’s turned a corner - whether it’s
toward a better destination or not remains to be seen.
“I’m tired, Jack…”
Uh huh, knew that. He hasn’t had a vacation in ages,
and with Rothman gone his workload’s been unreal; I’ve
already complained to Hammond about it after the fifth time
I found Daniel passed out over his work table.
“Not too tired to trash your lab though…” Lame
but it earns me a smile, a sort-of smile. With a headshake,
Daniel looks down again and laughs softly …but not like
anything’s funny. “Want to tell me what’s
going on in that head of yours?”
“I’m not sure I can, Jack…not sure I know….” The
mound of dust under his fingers is slowly being shaped into
a pyramid, the index finger jabbing small holes into the sides
with deliberate force.
“This have something to do with - you know - your not-coma?”
The flash of icy blue pointed in my direction before he catches
himself and looks away tells me I’m getting hotter. Now
we just need to narrow down the search.
“Just what did that kid ‘teach’ you?”
The eyes flash again, this time in the fear I noticed earlier
and he crushes the clay pyramid with a slap before moving to
get up. I grab onto his arm and pull him back and for a minute
I think he’s going to hit me. Then he just - deflates,
sinking back to rest against the wall and scrubbing his hand
through his hair.
“What did he teach me….” It isn’t
a question and I’m glad because I don’t think either
one of us has any answers. With a long sigh, Daniel leans his
head back on the wall. “He taught me what a lie my life
has been….”
“He what? What the hell are you talking about, Daniel?” I’m
holding onto his forearm with a tight grip and shaking it,
I don’t even remember reaching out to grab it. This is
just so much bullshit. If there’s even one of us who
can claim to work for truth, it’s Daniel. No agendas,
no brass telling him he can’t - at least none he’ll
listen to anyway, just Daniel doing what’s right with
a capital R. He doesn’t need anyone to tell him, he just
knows - and while I may not always agree, I understand…and
most of the time I agree.
“I’m not a very nice person, Jack….”
Like hell. The only times he’s not ‘nice’ is
when he’s dealing with idiot politicians and the goa’uld…..
Is that what this is about?
Slowly, damn slowly, Daniel starts telling me about the dream.
About letting the power of the goa’uld knowledge lead
him down a path to hell he’s still not quite returned
from. He tells me about plotting Teal’c’s death
- how the perfectly natural feelings of residual resentment
he deals with every day imploded in his dream-psyche and ended
with him committing murder. He tells me about getting Carter
thrown in jail to keep her from guessing any more of the truth
than she already had. And about sending me away until it was
too late to stop him because he knew I would definitely see
through him. I think I’m flattered - until he tells me
I shot him. Or rather, I shot *at* him.
Damn.
I remember what he told Shifu - ‘the only way to win
is to deny the battle’ and I think the kid had it right.
Maybe Daniel does need a new path, and maybe we need to back
him up a little more on that journey. So I tell him that. He
looks up and smiles at me a little, so tired his eyes are barely
open.
“You might be right, Jack. Maybe it’s time I took
a break, did some thinking…”
More than maybe. Way, way overdue. This has been a hell of
a bad year all the way around for Daniel and with barely a
break since - hell, I can’t even remember the last time
he took more than a weekend. Way past time he took a real vacation. “Wanna
go fishing?”
That earns me a tired grin. And surprisingly enough he nods. “Fishing
sounds - good.”
“I’ll square it with Hammond, shouldn’t
be a problem.” He gives me a doubting look but nods -
putting his faith in my persuasive powers, not really realizing
just how much Hammond would do for him. Getting a week off
will not be a problem.
Pushing up off the wall, I stand up and reach out a hand to
help him up. He hesitates a moment then reaches back, the brief
tightening of his hand conveying a lot of things we managed
not to say. Pulling him to his feet, I squeeze back just a
second before letting his hand go, letting him know some things
don’t really need to be said - just done. We’re
going fishing; if we find a way to talk more about all this,
fine. If not…well, I don’t think the trip will
be wasted.
Daniel looks around at the mess all over his lab, stooping
down to scoop up the handful of dust on the floor and pouring
it from one hand to the other.
“What the hell was that, anyway?”
He shrugs, “Nothing important. Not anymore.”
For some reason, I don’t exactly believe him but his
eyes have lost that dark, defeated look and whatever just happened
here, I think we may have won. That’s all that really
matters….
*Fin*
