Title: Intimate Hearts: Forgiveness
Date: July 8, 2000
Status: Complete
Author: Jmas
Category: Series, drama, angst, h/c…various other things….
Rating: PG-13 for language
Email: jmasg1@bellsouth.net
Archive: Stargate Fan, Heliopolis, Belle, Place of Our Legacy
Disclaimer: Characters are property of MGM, etc.
Spoilers: The Other Side, Small Victories, Shades of Grey
Summary: The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute
of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
Author's note: A continuing series…at least ten total…on
the complexity and simplicity of friendship…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intimate Hearts: Forgiveness
(n. the quality of forgiving, the
dismissing of wrongs)
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness
is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
Man, I nearly screwed this one up big time….
Not only did I nearly blow the mission by giving a bunch of
genocidal maniacs the means of finishing the job, I tore into
Daniel to do it.
Daniel had been feeling pretty freaked after giving the word
that would have killed Teal'c and me if Thor hadn't shown up
in time. I recognized the signs right away…the too-fast
talking, the eyes that wouldn't quite look at any of us after
the first long stare to make sure we really were okay. Then
he got quiet and disappeared down to his lab. I tracked him
down and made him talk about it. I've been in the position
more times than I want to think about…and I wasn't about
to leave Daniel alone with that…
I'm still pretty pissed at Davis for leaving it up to Daniel
to begin with. I gave the word, Davis should have done it.
Siler told me all about it later…told me he never wanted
to see a look like the one on Daniel's face ever again. Daniel's
compassionate hesitation saved our lives, bought those precious
seconds it took for Thor to pull us out…and I'll be grateful
the rest of my life for the stubborn refusal to give up that's
as much a part of Daniel as breathing….but he should
never have been put in that position to start with.
I barged right in and we talked a long time…went back
to my house and got a little drunk. Daniel doesn't like beer
I've discovered, but he *loves* rum and coke, must be the caffeine.
A lot of things got settled...
Anyway…I'm not really sure where my attitude on Euronda
came from. I thought things were pretty cool with us about
then, we went into the gate joking and picking on Teal'c like
always. Maybe part of it was some leftover stuff from the Maybourne
mess, maybe it was just the memory of those replicators crawling
all over me with no way to stop them. I just saw the answer
to all our prayers being handed over to us on a silver platter
and I didn't want to hear anything to spoil it. Like a kid
in a candy shop I wanted it all…and I didn't give a damn
about the cost.
Well…it cost me a good chunk of Daniel. I saw the look
on his face when I told him to shut up…and I couldn't
just leave it there. I had to add a few extras to make *sure*
he shut up.
To his credit, he didn't back off his position.
"It isn't *about* me, Jack…"
He meant it too. It was about truth…the truth we weren't
getting from the Kindred and the truth of living with the consequences
of jumping into the middle of a global war with one-sided intel.
We knew better...*I* knew better…but I saw the brass
ring and it blinded me to everything else.
Then Alar creeped me out with his "not like us" comment
and the brass ring started to look a whole lot tarnished. The
brass ring suddenly got that price tag Daniel had been talking
about all along and it turned out to be a hell of a lot more
than I was willing to pay. I had to do something to shut the
carousel down, but first I had to take care of something else…
I put out a hand to stop Daniel from dialing us home…I
could feel how cold he was by then. Not just a physical cold
either…he was wrapped up tight in that 'this is wrong,
why can't anybody see it?' shell I've come to know and fear.
If he spends too much time there, he blows all over whoever
might be in the way. He looked at me like I'd suddenly grown
two heads when I actually said the words. I think…I know…I've
never said the words before. I guess it's a good sign I can
say them now.
He looked so damn confused when I did my about face…actually
encouraging him to go ask his questions while Teal'c and I
checked out the stasis rooms. We reached the same conclusions
by different means and when we met up outside the war room,
there was little need for explanations. The 'Kindred' were
committing systematic genocide and I came way too close to
helping them do it…
I don't have any intention of apologizing to anyone for what
I did after that. It felt right on the cosmic payback scale…I
hope it was. Alar did the bug on the windshield thing… hell,
I told him not to follow us. I know Carter was pretty shocked
about that one, but I don't need her approval. I did what I
thought was right.
Daniel forgave me for ripping him a new one…paid me
back for it by getting me good and drunk with some hugely expensive
scotch. I think he suspects what happened…at least some
of it…after he and Teal'c went back through the gate.
He didn't say anything…he didn't have to. He was just
there…giving me the means to feel okay about it all.
Forgiving me without saying a word…without needing to.
We've still got it… I don't think we ever lost it. It
might get a little singed around the edges from time to time,
but I think we're okay.
Better than okay.
There'll still be some long quiet nights when I wonder if
I really did the right thing Daniel is so adamant about defending...it
goes without saying…that's one I'll have to figure out
on my own, but it's pretty damn nice knowing somebody's around
who thinks I'm worth forgiving. He keeps at it long enough,
I may start to believe it myself…
*fin*
